My son made this. He called it “Monstrous Moon” and it was presented to me at a parent teacher’s conference this week.
Teacher: “Can we talk about your son’s art project? He made this moon.” Me: “Neat.” T: “He then told the class that it was an evil moon that demanded gifts and songs. People who made it happy could turn into werewolves and those who made it mad would be eaten by said werewolves.” M: “Ah.” T: “He then said we was making the monstrous moon happy and howled, which made other kids howl. They then spent recess howling and talking about eating people.” M: “Oh. That’s a problem.” T: “I’m glad we’re on the same page here.” M: “I’ll speak to him about the importance of the separation of Church and State. He shouldn’t bring his religion to school.” T: “Uh, that’s not what I meant. I have a few therapists that-” M: “HHHHHOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLL”
“Caravaggio was the BEST renaissance painter, because he knew his shit. Literally. Look at this painting, he’s painted shit on everything, even Saint Peter!”
“For those of you fortunate enough to Not grow up catholic, a baptism is where you mist a baby like an orchid to keep it from going to hell.”
“You get Extra Credit for you eerily comprehensive knowledge of Muppets. Now stop talking.”
“GOD I love flying buttresses. They’re so melodramatic!”
“I don’t call him “Da Vinci” because that means “From Vinci”. That’s like calling Steve “Of Greeley” instead of his real name and that’s just rude. And not just because Greeley is Awful.”
“Michelangelo was really depressed because his job sucked. Also because he was a bit of a douche, but mostly the job. He should have been doing literally anything else.”
“Everything can be improved with a Simpson’s reference!”
“Send me Memes, I like having recent content in my lectures.” *Next day* “Stop sending me memes. Please.”
*whilst angrily pointing at a picture of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles* “The Turtles have all their names mixed up for their personalities and frankly that’s embarrassing. The techie should be Leo, the Flirt should be Raphael, The Boring Leader Dude should be Donatello and the angry one should be Carvaggio because that asshole literally spent his life drunk, fighting people and blackmailing cardinals. Carvaggio was the BEST.”
“I could have studied in Rome. I could be trying to match boxes of broken dicks to statuary. Instead of dicks I have you assholes.”
“Warhol was, as you young people say, A Troll. The art is not the Art, the Outrage is the Art. Which is kind of a Dick Move, which we old people say too.”
“Remember Kids- mental illness and heavy metal poisoning are not actually substitutes for Talent and Hard Work! Get therapy and don’t drink your paint water!”
