Did I ever tell u guys about the time my ex legitimately thought he killed me with his dick???
Ok so picture this I’m 18 and excited about sex, trying out some new positions. We are having sex in a pretty similar position to this
And my pussy is so wet it might as well be a god damn Slip N Slide ok. And he’s pounding at it fast and hard but slips out and goes to go right back in… But something is wrong. He’s about to enter….
The. Wrong. Hole.
And my eyes widen, I go to shout “noooo!!!!” But it’s all happening too fast. He thrusts right into my unlubed asshole and I scream like murder and leap right up onto my feet.
We had only been dating a couple of months at this time and there was something very important he did not know about me: I am a chronic fainter. If I’m in pain or if I see my own blood, I will pass the fuck out. I get real quiet and turn to him and say, “I am going to pass out.”
He doesn’t know I’m serious, he thinks I’m just being emotional, and he’s like “no baby come here” but as he finishes that sentence i faint and my head ping pongs off my metal bed frame, onto the wall and then finally my whole body falls on the ground.
He has never seen anybody faint before and naturally assumes I’m dead. A couple minutes later I awaken to him sobbing into my naked chest. Like this motherfucker really thought he sent me to the grave with some accidental anal sex.
SIMONE I AM YELLING
Joining tumblr was worth it just to read this. I didn’t make a terrible mistake 9 years ago, after all.
its been almost 2 years since overwatch came out and they still havent explained why hanzo and genji’s ults exist
i literally never needed to know why sniper spidey ladey is fucking blurple or why she has a skimpy ass outfit but these two dudes have entire fucking dragons come out of their arms and shit and there’s 0 explanation
Genji and hanzo have a competition going to see who can go without nutting the longest and at the 5 year mark they had stored up enough raw testicular energy to bring forth the dragons straight from the aether. since genji no longer has a real set of genitals he should have no dragon powers but since mercy keeps one of his balls alive in a jar he still has one and thus guaranteed to win the no nutt contest
when you pull your headphones out of your pocket and out comes your keys, money, tampons and russia
ok i’ve had so many people asking me why i, a boy, would have tampons in my pocket, but not a single person asking me why i, a boy, would have THE ACTUAL NATION OF RUSSIA IN MY POCKET
Everyone knows that Putin made a travel sized Russia
Russian accent:Ah yes I make perfect country to Putin your pocket
