okay but for real, my dad lives like right down the street from this place, and yes, it is as fancy as it is on the inside as it is on the out.  If I can get a reservation I’ll take pics

RITZY-ASS MCDONALDS SPECIAL UPDATE:  An In-Depth Review

As promised, today I went into what we here in the bay call the McRitz (I am the only one who does this but I’m hoping to make it a thing).   Before you ask, the entire building you see before you is one McDonald’s, it is not connected to any other or part as a mall.  It is the only building in a lot with an incredible amount of parking.

 Let me tell you, it’s always a hassle coming here, but it’s completely worth it in the end.  I wore my Sunday best, my most poignant cologne, and gelled my hair with only the freshest caviar. I had made my reservation 2 weeks in advance, and it was finally time for me to eat at this esteemed restaurant.

As I walked in, the very first thing I noticed the decor.  Charmingly rustic, I must say.  The walls displayed grand murals of lush countrysides, while the polished hardwood tabletops and magnificent chandeliers gave it a splash of bourbon-and-whiskey elegance, the kind you’d find at your high-quality steakhouse.  The view from the sitting area allowed one to look right across the beach, allowing one to stare at the shipping ports down the bay.  This combination of urban, rustic, and seaside environments created a wonderful atmosphere that soothed the body and mind.

Now, I have been to quite a few McDonald’s in my time.  As I have noticed time and time again, the menus are usually sheets of plastic placed upon lit backgrounds.  However, the McRitz is at the cutting edge of technology:  Instead of plastic sheets and light projectors, this wondrous place has 5 high definition flat-screen TV’s, listing it’s menu items.  The televisions would scroll through the various specials of the day, each burger sizzling and bubbling in real time, for what I can only assume is some kind of “burger cam” live feed.

Speaking of technology, the restrooms were also quite well-fitted.  Instead of the standard paper towel dispenser or blow drier that never made your hands completely dry, there was “The Airblade”.  This amazing device cleans from every inch of your fingers, from your nails to your wrist, blowing from both sides of your hand.  It blows away every speckle of water and dirt on a molecular level, a kind of clean feeling that only the God’s themselves could ever hope to feel, until today.  When I pulled my hand out, it was three shades lighter than the rest of my body.  Apparently I wasn’t as tanned as I thought I was.

Finally, we have the enclosed outdoor eating area.  Lights string across the rafters for nighttime eating, and the windows kept out all the nasty wind while letting the sunshine warm the enclosure up.  It was here where I ate my meal, a medium hamburger steak served atop a bed of freshly cut lettuce betwixt two sesame seed buns with a side of fried sliced potatoes with a crushed tomato and vinegar paste and a glass of vintage 2015 Docteur Poivre.  I have to say, the meal was absolutely delectable.  I have to say the real star of the show were the salted potato cuts, as they were seasoned and cooked to absolute perfection.

And so concludes my trip to the McRitz.  A fantastic experience at such an easy price.  No refills, but that’s no problem, as the fantastic atmosphere more than makes up for it.  I give this restaurant 5 stars.

★★★★★

Next week on Dishes get Stiches, I’ll review a local favorite of the 5 people I know:  That McDonald’s Where a Homeless Man tried to Kill Me