Live and Love under Patooties' peculiar light
My Pepto-Bismol Super Bowl ad was unanimously rejected
(Source: vine.co, via funfetti-cakke)
Test repeated by request from Agent Tecolote.
Input: One (1) Double Triple Balty Deluxe on a raft, four by four, animal-style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim
Setting: Rough.
Output: A perfectly cubic block with sides about 10 cm long made of an unknown organic material. Touching the cube makes the subject feel satiated after 5 seconds, bloated and nauseous after 10 and [DATA EXPUNGED] after 20 seconds of exposure. Analysis of both living and dead test subjects’ stomachs reveals no anomalies.
All test subjects invariably complain of “a lack of pickles in their meal” after breaking contact with the cube.
“Ok what the shit?” - Site Director E. Gere.
Input: One copy of the 10th Anniversary reunion soundtrack of ‘Les Miserables’
Setting: 1:1
Output: One copy of the 10th Anniversary reunion soundtrack of Disney’s ‘Aladdin’
Input: One (1) Double Triple Balty Deluxe on a raft, four by four, animal-style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim
Setting: Very fine (accidentally set to this setting by an assistant researcher)
Output: A perfectly cubic block with sides about 10 cm long made of an unknown organic material. Touching the cube makes the subject feel satiated after 5 seconds, bloated and nauseous after 10 and [DATA EXPUNGED] after 20 seconds of exposure. Analysis of both living and dead test subjects’ stomachs reveals no anomalies.
All test subjects invariably complain of “a lack of pickles in their meal” after breaking contact with the cube.
Input: One (1) rusty Mosin-Nagant.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One (1) M1908 rifle. Devoid of rust, but the barrel has multiple dents, some of which have rendered it unoperable as they jam the bullet.
frosty-mage-stuff: One Pinkie Pie 4DE plushie on coarse.
Input: One (1) Pinkie Pie 4DE plushie
Setting: Coarse.
Output: Various pieces of pink plush, organized by shape and size; approximately 12 meters of thread in a ball, a pile of plush filling and [DATA EXPUNGED].
Woah.. I mean WOW. I was not expecting THAT. - Site Director E. Gere.
poniesonpaper: One large Salmon (deceased) set to rough
Input: One (1) salmon carcass.
Setting: Rough
Output: A homogenized pile of mashed tissue confirmed to be salmon. The bones, guts, scales and meat are all mixed together but the all around texture is smooth and the unedible parts are barely perceptible. D-35521 was offered a sandwich made with the paste (cooked) and reported it to be rather pleasant, albeit missing a bit of seasoning.
A few notes from Dr. Gears himself (No not me, I mean THE Cog):
SCP-914 was not designed as an industrial device. Nor was it primarily a scientific device. Its primary function appears to be as a form of entertainment. After review of the recovery notes, and evaluation of the test logs, it appears that SCP-914 was designed to create the most “novel” items possible, with no regard for practicality or function.
When entering a small pile of parts for a clock on a 1:1 setting, you will most likely get a clock. If you enter blocks of wood, glass, and metal, it leaves a wide degree of room for “interpretation” by SCP-914, with a clock only one of many possible outcomes. If you desire to create a human being with, say, metallic skin, then the best plan would be to create a “suit” of the metal in the exact dimensions of the intended subject, and the same thickness as the subject’s skin. At that point, a setting of 1:1 or Fine may achieve the desired result.
However, there is a high degree of randomness still associated with SCP-914. Patience must be maintained, as it is not being used for its intended purpose, and thus may frustrate attempts to achieve a desired result. A short review of settings, as well:
- Rough: Destruction of the item, often by pressure, heat, or cutting.
- Coarse: Disassembly of the item into component parts.
- 1:1: Direct integration of multiple items, or “re-interpretation” of singular items.
- Fine: Refinement of items, often with a blending or “re-interpretation” of base states.
- Very Fine: Total “re-interpretation”, often times using only the base compounds of items.
This is not a simple exchange machine tecolote, review the documentation damnit - _-
Input: One (1) ornamental tanto knife, labeled Tengu’s Bane
Setting: Fine.
Output: One (1) katana, with a blade measuring 70 cm. No ornaments on the blade, but a complex one featuring feathery patterns can be found at the hilt. Upon grabbing the handle, a cloak of red feathers sprouts from the hilt and shrouds the entire arm wielding it. Letting go of it makes the feathers retract.
Testing reveals that the feathers are able to completely isolate electric currents, and the blade can store up to 30,000 volts worth of static electricity at once, which can be released only by the will of the wielder, as even coming into contact with foreign bodies triggers no response.
Input: One (1) half melted ice swan sculpture.
Setting: Very Fine.
Output: One (1) animated ice sculpture of a swan. Upon moving it began cracking at the “joints” and fell apart, but then reassembled and tried moving again, to the same result. After 3 hours of repeating this process the structure did not try to reassemble, instead melting down completely in approximately 30 seconds. It had travelleda distance of 5 meters away from the output chamber by this point.
It is theorized that the ice fragments achieved this fast melting by continuing to move right to the molecular level, fragmenting at each attempt until it became a liquid. Water resulting from this is under study for any anomalous properties.